The Search for True Love (Part 5)

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So, how do you get this focus on finding someone out of your mind?  The key is the law of replacement.  The law of replacement applies to many other areas of life such as in eating healthier, and it definitely applies to this area of getting yourself to not need a relationship. 

Here’s how the law of replacement works.  Many years ago, I made a decision to drastically reduce bad sweets (such as chocolate and other candies) in my diet.  Instead of focusing on depriving myself of sweets, I focused on eating lots of fruits (healthy sweets.)  In eating a lot of fruits, I no longer have cravings for bad sweets.  I now eat bad sweets on the average of once a month. 

So,  let's break it down into two parts:   (1) Have the intention, and (2) Focus on replacement(s).  In getting bad sweets out of my diet, I first made a decision (or have the intention) to do so.  Then, I focused on fruits (the replacement.)  In keeping yourself from not being overly focused on getting a relationship:  (1) Have the intention to not need a relationship, and (2) Focus on the “replacement”.

Focus on a replacement (or replacements.)  You need to replace that focus with something else – something greater than yourself and greater than some short-term satisfaction of just having someone quickly.

When you are focused on a greater purpose in your life, you actually end up increasing your chances of finding that someone that God has meant for you (as strange as this may sound to some of you, yet axiomatic to many of you who are more spiritual.)

This was one of the points I brought up during that Friday night dinner with Winston and Jack, but they for some reason had trouble grasping this point.  This resistance was probably because they were caught up in their anxiousness of being single.

Here’s the good news.  About a year after that dinner, Winston called me up one day and told me that he found a new Christian book about relationships.  It was the first time I heard of that book but the message in that book overlapped with much of what I was telling them on that Friday night when I shocked them with what God has been teaching me.  (That book has been misunderstood by many.  Therefore, I will not mention the title of that book at this point, but will talk about it later on.)

I guess God knew that Winston needed to get these teachings from two sources, in hearing it from me and from that book.  He finally got it.  Winston joyfully told me that he started replacing his focus on getting a girl with the focus on serving God and serving people.

Now there are many different ways of serving.  Some choose to write lessons from God and distribute them via various media.  Others help feed the hungry.  Vincent chose to serve in the children’s ministry at his church.  As a positive side effect of his focus on serving, he connected with his new girlfriend.

When you change your focus from finding someone to pursuing a greater purpose, you can’t lose.  If you end up forever single (although unlikely), you’ll still be happy fulfilling your greater purpose (and you’re better off anyway as Jesus and the Apostle Paul mentioned.)  However, most of you in pursuing a greater purpose will ironically end up having that special someone show up in your life.

On the other hand, if you are too caught up in finding love, you will most likely end up with nothing- not fulfilling your greater purpose and not finding anyone.  Or worse, you end up marrying the wrong person because you desperately rushed into a relationship.  As Solomon wrote, you’re better off living in a desert than living with the wrong woman you’ve married.  (Proverbs 21:19)

So, let go of the tendency of having to have.  Let go and be okay with staying single (even if forever) and focus on something greater than yourself.  Focus on God.  Let go and let God.  If you take this approach, you can’t lose

Other than increasing your chances of finding the right person, another reason (a more important reason) to focus on your greater purpose is explained at- http://stanzo.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-dying.html

Next week, I will go into something very important you need to think about in your journey or search for a greater purpose while keeping an eye out for your true love.  It is something that many neglect and as a result, they end up repelling the right person even when he or she shows up.

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Part 6 can be found at http://stanzo.blogspot.com/2012/05/search-for-true-love-part-6.html

Part 1 can be found at http://stanzo.blogspot.com/2012/03/search-for-true-love-part-1.html

Part 2 can be found at http://stanzo.blogspot.com/2012/03/search-for-true-love-part-2.html

Part 3 can be found at http://stanzo.blogspot.com/2012/03/search-for-true-love-part-3.html

Part 4 can be found at http://stanzo.blogspot.com/2012/03/search-for-true-love-part-4.html


Copyright: © 2012. This document is the sole property of Amadeo Constanzo. Other free teachings from Amadeo Constanzo can be found at life.SpirFit.com and SpirFit.org

The Search for True Love (Part 4)

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Are You Okay with Being Single?

Back in the ancient days, couples having trouble conceiving fret over whether they would have children or not.  They worry probably even more so than single people today worry about not finding a mate.  Abraham (a patriarch of Christianity, Islam, and Judaism) and his wife Sarah were having trouble conceiving a child.  When they were in their nineties and still without child, God let Abraham know that He’s answering his prayers and is about to give Abraham a child from Sarah’s womb.  Understandably, Sarah doubted and laughed when she heard this.  God responded, “Is anything too hard for God?” (Ge 18:14)  Is it hard for God to give Abraham and Sarah a child?  Is it hard for God to bring you the right mate? 

“Do not be afraid,” God said to Abraham.  “I am your shield, your very great reward.”  (Ge 15:1)  He is saying the same to us who seek a relationship with Him.

When Abraham was 100, his wife Sarah gave birth to Isaac, their own flesh and blood.  If God is able to provide such an old couple with a son from their own flesh, how much easier it is for Him to provide you with the right mate, your true love.

Although God is more than able to provide us with what we need, we often block ourselves from receiving when we try desperately to take control and to get it our way.  The more we are tensely in this state, the more we keep ourselves from what we need or want.   (However, not obsessively trying to take control does not mean not keeping an eye out for when God directs that person into your life.)

It’s no wander single people often get into this longing state of mind when we’ve been programmed by the world that it’s not okay to stay single.  We’ve been programmed to think that we must find someone at any cost.  Therefore, many in the world desperately try to get out of singleness trying different unwise methods from blind dates to internet matchmaking sites to speed dating.

“You’re not getting any younger,” they would remind us, although probably out of concern for us.  However, all this does is make us miserable.  Even if God has meant for you to be married (which is true for most), this type of thinking or longing only drives away your chances of pulling that special someone into your life.  Desperate energy is repelling, not attractive.

I once saw an interview of a woman telling her story about how she for the longest time really wanted to find a man and get married.  She was frustrated year after year, and she often communicated this to her best friend.  Finally, she had an awakening and came to the conclusion that it is entirely okay if she stays single forever.  This peaceful decision surprised her best friend, but the biggest shocker was yet to come.  Two weeks later, she met a guy.  Two months later, she informed her best friend, “He proposed!”

The key is getting yourself to this place where you truly are completely okay with staying single forever.    Another way to see this is from what Jesus and the Apostle Paul taught their disciples.  They mentioned to their followers that it is actually better to be single.  (Mt 19:10-12; 1 Co 7:1-2, 7:27-28, 7:32-38)

However, know that most of us are probably meant to be married, as you are probably relieved to hear.  (1 Co 7:2, 28, 36, 38; Proverbs 18:22)  So, I’m not saying that you should all stay single.  I am only saying that you should be okay with being single.  You can’t lose if you think this way.  If you do stay single forever (although that’s unlikely), you’re okay with it anyway.  If you don’t stay single, that would be great too.  Either way, you can’t lose if you are okay with staying single.

On the other hand, if your desperate mentality of “I have to find someone” leads you to rush into a relationship (as is often the case), you will end up in misery, or in a miserable relationship.  As many who have experienced this could tell you, it is better not to marry than to marry the wrong person.

So, as you have probably gotten already, the take home message of this section is to be okay with being single.  As the preacher Francis Chan once said to his congregation, “Those who are most ready for marriage are those who need it least.” 

I would like to add, “Those who need marriage the least are those who are most likely to be happily married.”

So, how do you get yourself to not need to find or to be okay with being single?  The key is the law of replacement.  So, what is the law of replacement?

To be continued in part 5.  Feel free to find it at http://spirfit.net/Academy/life/searchforlove/index.htm

For updates of my blog posts, “like” the SpirFit page at http://www.facebook.com/pages/SpirFit/141881909215772

Also, feel free to share your relationship stories with me at healthsciencewriter@gmail.com


Copyright: © 2012. This document is the sole property of Amadeo Constanzo. Other free teachings from Amadeo Constanzo can be found at life.SpirFit.com and SpirFit.org

The Search for True Love (Part 3)

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Not Having to Have

Years ago, I was living in San Francisco, California when Winston and Jack called me out for dinner on a Friday night.  They called me out because we knew that all three of us single guys in our early 20’s were suffering from some type of relationship blues.

Jack’s girlfriend of three years left him for another guy, and he feels that his cure will come when he finds someone else.  Winston at the time had never had a girlfriend in his life and he desperately wanted one.  As for me, I at the time just came out of the most disastrous relationship I have ever had.

Winston and Jack in calling me out expected me to vocalize the same concerns about how we should all be primarily focused on getting out of the misery of singleness.  That was until I shocked them with what God has been teaching me about not having to have, and not being so predominantly focused on getting the girl.

That was the first time Winston and Jack were challenged to look at this in a completely different way (or different than the way they’ve been accustomed to and the way the world has programmed us to think.)  In addition to telling them about not being only focused on searching for a girlfriend, other things I mentioned (as I will further go into in this blog series) included teachings like working on yourself first, don’t settle for less than what God has in store for you, being okay with God’s timing, enjoying the current state of singleness, and focusing on something greater than yourself.

I should also mention that I later shared the same knowledge with the pastor of Winston and Jack’s church.  Their pastor is in total agreement with me (as it’s usually the case when I share this with older spiritual teachers.)  However, this knowledge I shared that Friday night was initially met with vehement resistance from Winston and Jack.

For Jack, it had been a painful experience for him that year.  His former girlfriend and her new boyfriend both attended the same church as Jack.  (Jack and his ex-girlfriend had both long been a member of that church while her new boyfriend was a seeker, or new to church.)  Although Jack tried not to show it, it anguished him to see every week his ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend at church every week, while  he remained single and hurt.  Jack expressed to Winston and me that he believed quickly finding a new girlfriend will cure his pain.

Winston felt desperately frustrated.  He had never had a girlfriend in his life.  For him, high school had come and gone without a girlfriend.  Then college had come and gone and still he wasn’t able to get a girl.  As a young professional fresh out of college, he was yearningly anxious about this.  I guess their state of longing and frustration contributed to their inability to stretch their minds to understand what I was saying at the time (although Winston got it months later as you will see.)

“How can you say that we shouldn’t be so focused on getting the girl,” exclaimed Jack while sipping his post-dinner cup of coffee that Friday night.

“If we are not solely focused on searching for a girlfriend, how can we get a girlfriend!” added Winston while digging into his dessert.

Despite being Christians, Jack and Winston vocalized a common concern of people of the world.  “If we don’t compete and get a girl quickly when she’s available, some other guy will quickly snag her,” as the thought goes.

“As single guys, “  Jack continued, “we have to vigilantly place our predominant efforts in finding a girl.  The nice and single available girls don’t stay available for long.  We have to win her over before some other guy does.”

 “Yes, we must be predominantly focused on getting a girl,” agreed Winston.  “It’s my primary focus right now.”

Here’s how I responded, according to what God has taught me. 

“Do not be in such a state of longing,” I said. “Instead, focus on something greater than yourself.  Work on your purpose.  Focus on God.”

Generally, we singles need to consciously get away from that innate tendency to obsess about getting a relationship.  The more you desperately want something, the more it eludes you.  Also, don’t see this as a competition like Jack did.  This common mentality (especially among guys) of “I have to win this girl over before some other guy does” is a bad idea.  As a result of this mentality, relationships between two people who don’t belong together develop, only because of someone’s ego in addition to short-term attractions. 

This is one way people in the world nowadays quickly get into relationships doomed to fail in the long run.

Again, get away from the "having to have" mentality.  Stay away from thinking, “I have to find a mate.”  Do you not know that the more you long for something, the more it eludes you?  Do you not know that the more desperate you are for something, the more likely you will foul up your chances of getting it?

In extreme cases, when you desperately want someone (when you think you must have them), you will only end up with a restraining order.  Although most of us aren’t one of these extreme or psychotic cases, I say this to show you the obvious truth of staying away from the mentality of having to have.

... to be continued in Part 4 at - http://spirfit.net/Academy/life/searchforlove/index.htm

For updates of my blog posts, “like” the SpirFit page at http://www.facebook.com/pages/SpirFit/141881909215772

Feel free to share your stories with me at healthsciencewriter@gmail.com

Copyright: © 2012. This document is the sole property of Amadeo Constanzo. Other free teachings from Amadeo Constanzo can be found at life.SpirFit.com and SpirFit.org