Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Search for True Love (Part 4)

Are You Okay with Being Single?

Back in the ancient days, couples having trouble conceiving fret over whether they would have children or not.  They worry probably even more so than single people today worry about not finding a mate.  Abraham (a patriarch of Christianity, Islam, and Judaism) and his wife Sarah were having trouble conceiving a child.  When they were in their nineties and still without child, God let Abraham know that He’s answering his prayers and is about to give Abraham a child from Sarah’s womb.  Understandably, Sarah doubted and laughed when she heard this.  God responded, “Is anything too hard for God?” (Ge 18:14)  Is it hard for God to give Abraham and Sarah a child?  Is it hard for God to bring you the right mate? 

“Do not be afraid,” God said to Abraham.  “I am your shield, your very great reward.”  (Ge 15:1)  He is saying the same to us who seek a relationship with Him.

When Abraham was 100, his wife Sarah gave birth to Isaac, their own flesh and blood.  If God is able to provide such an old couple with a son from their own flesh, how much easier it is for Him to provide you with the right mate, your true love.

Although God is more than able to provide us with what we need, we often block ourselves from receiving when we try desperately to take control and to get it our way.  The more we are tensely in this state, the more we keep ourselves from what we need or want.   (However, not obsessively trying to take control does not mean not keeping an eye out for when God directs that person into your life.)

It’s no wander single people often get into this longing state of mind when we’ve been programmed by the world that it’s not okay to stay single.  We’ve been programmed to think that we must find someone at any cost.  Therefore, many in the world desperately try to get out of singleness trying different unwise methods from blind dates to internet matchmaking sites to speed dating.

“You’re not getting any younger,” they would remind us, although probably out of concern for us.  However, all this does is make us miserable.  Even if God has meant for you to be married (which is true for most), this type of thinking or longing only drives away your chances of pulling that special someone into your life.  Desperate energy is repelling, not attractive.

I once saw an interview of a woman telling her story about how she for the longest time really wanted to find a man and get married.  She was frustrated year after year, and she often communicated this to her best friend.  Finally, she had an awakening and came to the conclusion that it is entirely okay if she stays single forever.  This peaceful decision surprised her best friend, but the biggest shocker was yet to come.  Two weeks later, she met a guy.  Two months later, she informed her best friend, “He proposed!”

The key is getting yourself to this place where you truly are completely okay with staying single forever.    Another way to see this is from what Jesus and the Apostle Paul taught their disciples.  They mentioned to their followers that it is actually better to be single.  (Mt 19:10-12; 1 Co 7:1-2, 7:27-28, 7:32-38)

However, know that most of us are probably meant to be married, as you are probably relieved to hear.  (1 Co 7:2, 28, 36, 38; Proverbs 18:22)  So, I’m not saying that you should all stay single.  I am only saying that you should be okay with being single.  You can’t lose if you think this way.  If you do stay single forever (although that’s unlikely), you’re okay with it anyway.  If you don’t stay single, that would be great too.  Either way, you can’t lose if you are okay with staying single.

On the other hand, if your desperate mentality of “I have to find someone” leads you to rush into a relationship (as is often the case), you will end up in misery, or in a miserable relationship.  As many who have experienced this could tell you, it is better not to marry than to marry the wrong person.

So, as you have probably gotten already, the take home message of this section is to be okay with being single.  As the preacher Francis Chan once said to his congregation, “Those who are most ready for marriage are those who need it least.” 

I would like to add, “Those who need marriage the least are those who are most likely to be happily married.”

So, how do you get yourself to not need to find or to be okay with being single?  The key is the law of replacement.  So, what is the law of replacement?

To be continued in part 5.  Feel free to find it at

For updates of my blog posts, “like” the SpirFit page at

Also, feel free to share your relationship stories with me at

Copyright: © 2012. This document is the sole property of Amadeo Constanzo. Other free teachings from Amadeo Constanzo can be found at and

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Search for True Love (Part 3)

Not Having to Have
Years ago, I was living in San Francisco, California when Winston and Jack called me out for dinner on a Friday night.  They called me out because we knew that all three of us single guys in our early 20’s were suffering from some type of relationship blues.

Jack’s girlfriend of three years left him for another guy, and he feels that his cure will come when he finds someone else.  Winston at the time had never had a girlfriend in his life and he desperately wanted one.  As for me, I at the time just came out of the most disastrous relationship I have ever had.

Winston and Jack in calling me out expected me to vocalize the same concerns about how we should all be primarily focused on getting out of the misery of singleness.  That was until I shocked them with what God has been teaching me about not having to have, and not being so predominantly focused on getting the girl.

That was the first time Winston and Jack were challenged to look at this in a completely different way (or different than the way they’ve been accustomed to and the way the world has programmed us to think.)  In addition to telling them about not being only focused on searching for a girlfriend, other things I mentioned (as I will further go into in this blog series) included teachings like working on yourself first, don’t settle for less than what God has in store for you, being okay with God’s timing, enjoying the current state of singleness, and focusing on something greater than yourself.

I should also mention that I later shared the same knowledge with the pastor of Winston and Jack’s church.  Their pastor is in total agreement with me (as it’s usually the case when I share this with older spiritual teachers.)  However, this knowledge I shared that Friday night was initially met with vehement resistance from Winston and Jack.

For Jack, it had been a painful experience for him that year.  His former girlfriend and her new boyfriend both attended the same church as Jack.  (Jack and his ex-girlfriend had both long been a member of that church while her new boyfriend was a seeker, or new to church.)  Although Jack tried not to show it, it anguished him to see every week his ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend at church every week, while  he remained single and hurt.  Jack expressed to Winston and me that he believed quickly finding a new girlfriend will cure his pain.

Winston felt desperately frustrated.  He had never had a girlfriend in his life.  For him, high school had come and gone without a girlfriend.  Then college had come and gone and still he wasn’t able to get a girl.  As a young professional fresh out of college, he was yearningly anxious about this.  I guess their state of longing and frustration contributed to their inability to stretch their minds to understand what I was saying at the time (although Winston got it months later as you will see.)

“How can you say that we shouldn’t be so focused on getting the girl,” exclaimed Jack while sipping his post-dinner cup of coffee that Friday night.

“If we are not solely focused on searching for a girlfriend, how can we get a girlfriend!” added Winston while digging into his dessert.

Despite being Christians, Jack and Winston vocalized a common concern of people of the world.  “If we don’t compete and get a girl quickly when she’s available, some other guy will quickly snag her,” as the thought goes.

“As single guys, “  Jack continued, “we have to vigilantly place our predominant efforts in finding a girl.  The nice and single available girls don’t stay available for long.  We have to win her over before some other guy does.”

 “Yes, we must be predominantly focused on getting a girl,” agreed Winston.  “It’s my primary focus right now.”

Here’s how I responded, according to what God has taught me. 

“Do not be in such a state of longing,” I said. “Instead, focus on something greater than yourself.  Work on your purpose.  Focus on God.”

Generally, we singles need to consciously get away from that innate tendency to obsess about getting a relationship.  The more you desperately want something, the more it eludes you.  Also, don’t see this as a competition like Jack did.  This common mentality (especially among guys) of “I have to win this girl over before some other guy does” is a bad idea.  As a result of this mentality, relationships between two people who don’t belong together develop, only because of someone’s ego in addition to short-term attractions. 

This is one way people in the world nowadays quickly get into relationships doomed to fail in the long run.

Again, get away from the "having to have" mentality.  Stay away from thinking, “I have to find a mate.”  Do you not know that the more you long for something, the more it eludes you?  Do you not know that the more desperate you are for something, the more likely you will foul up your chances of getting it?

In extreme cases, when you desperately want someone (when you think you must have them), you will only end up with a restraining order.  Although most of us aren’t one of these extreme or psychotic cases, I say this to show you the obvious truth of staying away from the mentality of having to have.

... to be continued in Part 4 at -

For updates of my blog posts, “like” the SpirFit page at

Feel free to share your stories with me at

Copyright: © 2012. This document is the sole property of Amadeo Constanzo. Other free teachings from Amadeo Constanzo can be found at and

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Search for True Love (Part 2)

Don’t Just Focus on the Search

Now that you understand the importance of flexibility of mind (like stretchable exercise pants), you must exercise that flexibility.  You should do so by shifting your focus away from the external, or shifting your focus away from just searching.  It is actually more important to first look inward before you look outward.  In most cases where people end up having trouble finding the right person or not getting the right relationship, not starting inward is a major factor. 

In searching for true love, you can’t just focus on the search and ignore other important factors (as I will go into in this blog series.)  These factors (such as working on becoming a true listener and working on your core character) may seem unrelated, but they are crucial if you really want to land a true and lasting relationship.

Let me explain this with a money analogy.  If you invest your money in stocks and bonds, do you just narrowly keep an eye on your accounts and nothing else?  Or are you also continuously keeping up with information such as local news, global news, business news, tech news, and science news.

The unwise and less successful investor would probably say, “I don’t want to learn and keep up with all this information.  They are not directly related to my investments.”

In the same way, the unwise ignore many indirect factors in their search for true love.  There are many seemingly unrelated and indirectly related factors covered in this blog series.  Other commonly neglected but crucial factors include: letting go of the past, not settling for less than what God has in store for you, working on yourself, working on something greater than yourself, understanding love in different forms, and establishing a divine connection.

The person who is conscientious in these seemingly unrelated areas covered in this blog series would be like the wise investor staying abreast of all information including the seemingly unrelated, indirectly related, and directly related. 

Multi-cultural Wisdom from Generations
I previously mentioned the importance of being able to change the way you see and approach relationships as you are reading this blog series.    If this led you to think that I am presenting completely new ways and perspectives, I am here to tell you that it is quite to the contrary.  I will be presenting ways of seeing it that most people today are not accustomed to, but these perspectives and approaches are not completely new.  They include long forgotten or neglected knowledge and wisdom about love and relationships.  These are knowledge and wisdom learned from generations, consistent across various cultures and traditions from different parts of the world.

Truth is truth (whether you like it or not, and whether it feels good or not.)  When people from one corner of the earth learned the same things as people from another corner of the world throughout different time periods and across different belief systems, you know they are true.  When different people of different backgrounds learn the same lessons, you know they are true.

Let me give you an obvious analogy.  The apparent principle of “you shall not murder” is known from many different traditions (consistent in many parts of the world throughout generations, across many different belief systems.)

It is consistent in teachings from Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism, Islam, and Confucianism to name the major traditions of many parts of the world.

Although some of my teachings in finding true love are also consistent with wisdom across cultures, they are not as obvious as “you shall not murder”, but they are just as true.  It is my aim to make these truths apparent to you by the time you are done reading this blog series.

Not Having to Have

Years ago, I was living in San Francisco, California when Winston and Jack called me out for dinner on a Friday night.  They called me out because we knew that all three of us single guys in our early 20's were suffering from some type of relationship blues.

Jack's girlfriend of three years left him for another guy, and he felt that his cure will come when he finds someone else.  Winston at the time had never had a girlfriend in his life and he desperately wanted one.  As for me, I at the time just came out of the most disastrous relationship I've ever had…  

To be continued in Part 3.  Feel free to find it at

For updates of my blog posts, “like” the SpirFit page at

Feel free to share your stories with me at

Copyright: © 2012. This document is the sole property of Amadeo Constanzo. Other free teachings from Amadeo Constanzo can be found at and

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Search for True Love (Part 1)

I’ve come across so many people in my work at various capacities (with clients, with students at the college, with small groups, and online) and one common issue of discussion that often comes up is about relationships, including the search for one. That is partly why I am writing a series about this. Another reason (the greater reason) is a Divine push to write this.

Many are having trouble or not happy being single. If you are reading this, most likely you can relate to one or more of the following:

I am single and I am wandering when or if “the one” will show up in my life.

Why do I keep attracting the wrong type of guys into my life? It keeps happening. The same keeps showing up in my life.

My relationships don’t last. Why don’t they stay for the long haul?

They all lie. They are all the same.

I’ve just received another wedding invitation. It feels like I’m getting these very frequently these days – too frequently. Although part of me is happy for my friends getting married, another part of me feels frustrated. I look at all these couples getting married and I am wandering to myself, “Why don’t I have that yet? What am I doing wrong?
I’m not even close.”

Although I know I shouldn’t give up, I am growing more and more frustrated.

I thought we were meant to be together, but we lost it.
They all cheat. They are all the same.

There’s this guy I really like, but he doesn’t seem to be interested in me in that way. If only he would show interest in me or ask me out, I would be so happy.

How can he do this to me? We’ve been together for so long. I can’t live without him. How can he just end it after all that we’ve been through? I now feel so single. It hurts so much. I don’t remember ever being so heart broken.

I am a man of God but everywhere I go, there are all these good looking ladies of the world. They are at my school. They are at my work. They are in my neighborhood. They are flirtatious and nice toward me, but I know that none of them is the one God has in store for me. Although they seem to be interested in me, I know that I should resist the temptations and hold out for the one girl God’s meant for me. But it’s really hard to resist. It’s like bringing a child into a candy store but telling him you can’t have any.

It was supposed to be happily ever after. We were so good together. We were planning for a future together, or so I thought. Unexpectedly, she ends it. “What happened?” I asked myself. “What did I do wrong?” Now, I am single again and back to square one.

I’m broken and I feel like it would be impossible for me to have a good relationship with someone. Who would want to get involved with this mess? Is there hope for me?

There’s this guy apparently interested in me, but I as a woman of God knows that this is not the guy God’s meant for me. However, it’s tough to resist this gorgeous guy’s advances, especially when I don’t see anyone else as I look on the horizon. Frankly, I feel insecure and I am having doubts if God will bring me “the one”. I don’t know how long I can resist this guy.

There’s this girl I really like. I really want her, but I can’t have her.

I don’t know what happened to our relationship. It was suddenly over, and the next thing I know, he’s with another girl.

I used to have all these guys interested in me. What happened? Why am I so empty and miserable now?


Apparently from all the people I have come across in my work with students and clients, in various churches I’ve been to, and online, this topic is a major issue in the minds of single people.

If you ask me a year ago about projects I had lined up, this writing series on the search for true love would not be on that list. Even in my personal life in recent years, I’ve placed zero focus on searching for a potential mate. My primary focus in recent years has been on the work God has pointed out to me on the less traveled road. In recent months however, it became clear to me that God is pointing me toward writing out all the lessons He has (for some reason) presented to me in this area.  God seems to be telling me to share these lessons.

Although I haven’t been asking for lessons on relationships or finding one, God for many years now has been teaching me through different people, through my own experiences, and through experiences of others I’ve come across. In recent months, I felt a strong push to share these lessons about searching for a good and long lasting relationship with someone.

Many seem to be in a place where they feel eager but broken and stuck. God therefore seems to want me to contribute to help.

“He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…” Isaiah 61:1

There are so many who feel discouraged and frustrated from uncertainty of the future, including the uncertainty in this area of finding someone.  Some are imprisoned by their past (such as past hurts, experiences, and mistakes) which hinders them in their search for a true and lasting relationship.

If you can relate to anything I’ve mentioned so far, this series is meant to serve you.  There’s a lot more to come on this topic of finding true love.  All I ask is that you come with an open mind.

Change Your Perspective; Shift Your Paradigm

When it comes to searching for that true and lasting relationship, our minds need to be like stretchable workout pants. Have you ever tried wearing hard jeans in working out, especially the ones that are skinny and tight?  If you did, you know that they don’t leave much room for movement. As a guy, I often wander if these skinny jeans might affect my ability to reproduce. Somebody ought to do a study on this.

Anyway, I would definitely not want to exercise in these inflexible skinny jeans.

When you are working out, in the process of transforming yourself to become more fit, you generally would put on stretchable workout pants. In the same way, when you are in the process of transforming yourself to become more fit for a relationship with a special someone, you have to put on a mind that is like the stretchable pants. Your mind must not only be on how it’s been accustomed to think and on how the culture of the world pressures you to think. Your mind must be stretchable or flexible to have room for approaching this issue in ways you may be uncomfortable with. In reading this series (in the process of transforming yourself to attract true love into your life), be the stretchable workout pants.

Are you one of the common cases where you ask yourself why you keep attracting the same type of guys or the same type of girls you don’t want? You keep asking yourself why they keep showing up in your life. Well, you may have heard the saying, “Approaching something the same way again and again while expecting a different outcome is insanity.” When you keep getting the same results (or the same type of guys/girls) you don’t want, it’s time to be open up your mind to new approaches. This is key if you want to get anything out of this series.

Be open and flexible enough to add to your initial point of view and approach. You may even need to change them altogether if necessary. Your mind must be like the stretchable pants in order to get out of old patterns if you want to attract true love into your life...

To be continued in part 2.  Feel free to find it at

For updates of my blog posts, feel free to join/like my Facebook page at

Copyright: © 2012, 2013.  This document is the sole property of Amadeo Constanzo. Other free teachings from Amadeo Constanzo can be found at and

Search for True Love, Finding a mate, soul mate, Shu Chan 陳樹中 University of California, UC Davis, Brooklyn Tech, Amadeo Constanzo